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| I'm
Writing you to catch you up on places I've been
You
Held this letter, probably got excited
But there's nothing else inside it.
I wrote out a letter, then I erased it, then I did it again four more times.
I guess whatever I have to say needs to be said, and not written.
btw, I wrote about whether or not I'm weird/different/difficult. I think I just proved my point.
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| the mood is...
foolish
My heart is curious.
As a child, I loved being in the car with my Dad. Of course, he always knew exactly where we were going to or from. I was not concerned with destinations at all - I made up games to play specifically while in the car. I attempted to count each painted dash seperating the driving lanes on the street. Each dash was counted with a tap of my foot. Other times, I would count the gaps between cars passing us in the oncoming lanes. As fun as these games were for me, there was one game I was always dying to play. I called it "Chase The Firetruck".
The sight and sound of a firetruck rushing en route to an emergency was an instant shot adrenaline to me. I begged my Dad for years that he drop everything and just follow the firetruck to where ever it was going. Why? My dumb, curious heart just knew that there would be fire, and thus, people's lives being saved. Maybe someone will play hero.
Time after time, my pleading and begging was swiftly denied. Looking back, I think I even resented him a little bit for not affording me the opportunity even once. It probably could've been something totally routine and otherwise mundane, but I just believed in my heart that it would be a spectacle. My imagination ran wild every time, yet I bet he thought: "Does my kid want to see someone die or something?" After all, I never wanted to chase ambulances or police cars. What was it about firetrucks? I mean, only a fool rushes to a fire unprepared to do something about it. I think once, he actually explained why he was saying no. It went something like, "It's a waste of time. There's nothing good for you to see there."
Hmm.
Here we are today, and I still don't think I've gotten it. I no longer feel the need to actually follow a firetruck to an emergency scene, but I think the underlying itch is still there. It goes to show just how little I've learned after all these years. I've spent a considerable amount of my young adult life chasing firetrucks, enthralled by the fact that finally, after all these years, I've got no one to prevent me from doing it. Only recently did the satisfaction of having my itch scratched give way to the realization that I don't actually know how to deal with fire. I should do what my Dad did and just go home - you've done something awfully wrong if you've got the blaze on the horizon and all you've got on you is a pack of fucking matches.
This isn't a way to live.. and it sure as hell isn't a way to play hero.
And such as life, sometimes we get caught up in chasing the wrong things, not knowing (or even caring) where the destination is. I've found that this is where naivety and blatant negligence are one and the same.
As I said earlier, only fools rush in... yet everyone is a fool for something.
Sadly, I am a fool for three.
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| the mood is...
back from another xanga hiatus
listening to...
Yacht | Psychic City
and now, part two of my strengths reflections...
Theme Two: Communication
"You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write."
(Bingo. I cannot possibly live a day in my life without attempting to explain something.)
"Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them."
(Tammy's eyes dart in my direction. She says, "Dougie. SO the storyteller."
I smirk and think to explain why I love telling stories. I'm totally nailed)
"You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded with information, but very little of it survives. You want your information - whether an idea, an event, a product's features and benefits, a discover, or a lesson - to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in."
(Can you see how this is a very powerful combination with Command?
My friends are now nodding in agreement - I am Communication)
"This is what drives you to hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act."
(This is where it gets interesting. I don't know if people like listening to
me, or if they have to because I'm so loud and/or I cut them off.
Hmmm.. there's where Command comes in, I suppose.)
Before my egometer bursts off the charts, I am quick to remember that Communication may be one of my "things", it doesn't mean that I am any good at it. I am forever guilty of being TOO wordy. Minimalism is not my forte, as anyone who has witnessed my ramble-fests will attest.
Realization: Communication is clearly something I value, which is why I was proud when it was voted as one of my talents. A talent, it might be, but it has been a tricky one to internalize and harness. Although Empathy (as I will discuss in a subsequent post) is one of my Top 5, I constantly struggle to truly understand why some people are NOT good communicators. I find myself making snarky remarks and not understanding why it's that hard for some people to express themselves. Others, still, simply don't see the point of open communication. It's unnecessary. Or maybe guys are too macho. When mere silence won't get it done, use the shortest, punchiest
Sigh. My communication heart weeps silently.
My favourite suggestion: Keep getting smarter about the words you use. They are a critical currency. Spend them wisely, and monitor their impact.
(Ahh, this book is like my sensei. Good stuff.)
next up: Context | | |
| sometimes i wonder if you're the only person who every really got me.
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| "You cannot be anything you want to be - but you can be a lot more of who you already are."
Ahh, another intriguing philosophy to incorporate into my already-jumbled world view. Like the majority of free-willed young adults roaming the planet, trying to find their purpose in life, I have attempted to identify with aspects of my personality really make me "Me." Of course, there's a lot to be learned about oneself through introspection, but perception will also tell you a great deal.
I am a firm believer in the "looking-glass self" (a sociological theory proposed by Charles Horton Cooley, 1902 if you care). Basically, I see myself as the person others see me as; adjustments are made based on interactions and others' perception of me. I observe. I watch for reactions. I keep tabs on the tone people use when they talk to me. It really does matter how you look at me when we speak, if you look at me at all. As nerdy or obsessive at it may sound, I'm a student of this game.
Based on the looking-glass self concept, I've been able to get a decent idea of who I am. But of course, I wouldn't shy away from the opportunity to let someone else tell me who I am. Not even if the person has never met me. I was recently introduced to a great little book that did well to pique my interest and shine some light on this never-ending pursuit of mine.
 Strengths Finder is based on the premise that people are born with innate talents. While most people are obsessed with fixing their weaknesses, the Strengths Finder approach urges people to develop their talents and build them into strengths. It should be mentioned that talents are neither good nor bad - how they are developed and applied is most important. "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?"- Benjamin FranklinThe book asks: "What's right with people?" instead of asking what's wrong. A 40-year study study produced a list of 34 talent themes, which people can use to try to identify their talents and ideas of how to utilize them. The idea is that most people should be able to establish a unique list of their Top 5 themes. This is great, because I'm really tired of worrying about what I'm not. Time to build on what I already am. The first time I heard about this book, it was described to me very briefly by a friend. She gave me the general gist of it and immediately told me there were at least a few themes that are "toooootally Doug." Anyway, I met together with my friends and we all went over the list of 34 themes together. I wasn't able to find 5 themes that really hit home, but 4 ain't bad.
Theme One: CommandI didn't want to type too much of the book out because it's kind of plagiarific, but this one is so dead on I have to give it to you verbatim. "Command leads you to take charge. Unlike some people, you feel no discomfort with imposing your views on others. On the contrary, once you opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you." (At this point, a few people in the room snicker and glare at me. I guess the book is on to something. Continuing on....)
"You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life's unpleasantness, you fell compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be."(More eyes rolling. I get it: I'm a little confrontational. But it gets better....)
"You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. You push them to take risks. You may even intimidate them. And while some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins. People are drawn toward those who take a stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you. You have presence. You have Command."This may seem like an exercise in ego-building, but it's not. While I identify with this theme and gladly accept the label, I have also seen its downside. It's true that some people can be intimidated, and it often leads to stifled feelings. One of my friends even told me that sometimes I'm so set in my way or so persistent that he doesn't even attempt to speak up or change my mind. In my looking-glass world, what does this tell me? Realization: Command can make me an asshole. Not because I'm wrong, per se. But more because strong command combined with a blind eye can discourage people and stifle them. The book encourages Command-type people to strive to be known as a candid person. The message I've taken from this is that I must strive to be candid while maintaining sensitivity and courtesy. The goal, after all, is to gain more without taking away.
next up: Communication
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